Nothin' but pain

There are so many things I would like to say. I don't even know where to start. I guess I need to start at the beginning. It has come to my attention that I say one thing and do another. Also, I need to stop freaking out about things. Yes, I have been emotional. Yes, I have changed my mind alot in the past little while. Yes, apparently I have pissed off more than one person.

I have been emotional:

There has been alot going on in my life right now. For one, I have a physical problem that I don't have the money to go get fixed. There is something wrong with my thyroid. It's called Hypothyroidism. It's where you're tired all the time, you're sore for no reason, where you're more emotional than EVER! I know this is a problem that I NEED to get fixed.

My family situation is not the greatest right now. My grandpa has had some strokes recently. He's not gonna live alot longer. My grandma is downsizing their house for when my grandpa passes away. My grandmother is not doing well at all. She has good days and bad days, but I doubt there will be many more good days. I don't know how much longer she has to live. I'm not supposed to be in Charleston. My parents don't agree with me on alot of things. So, as soon as I get a job I have to move out.

The guy I like doesn't want to commit to the relationship. Says I'm rushing it. Which I will have to say that I was. You say you like someone but then don't wanna commit?! I don't understand that at all!!! I have been used sooo many times in my past... I'd rather not be used again. Also, the long distance relationship thing is wayyy too hard... especially when there's no commitment on the other end. If i cheat then it's wrong. If they cheat it's ok 'cause they're not committed. I DON'T GET IT!!! *sigh* Also, since I was engaged before and that went sour I don't want that to happen again. I don't want to get hurt in relationships anymore. I won't have a heart to give or care if I do. :'(

I have changed my mind:

Heck yea. MOVING?! Yea, there had to be a move somewhere. If I stayed in Greenville I'd have to move to an apartment. I would have a job, coach b-ball, play b-ball, and have a good church. If I moved to Monroe I'd have a place to stay and a good paying job. I would be close to my boyfriend. BUT a forever broken relationship with my family. If I moved home I'd have a place to stay 'til I found a job. Hard decision?! Yea... Then my parents wanted to send me to Paris! SAY WHAT?! Yea... add that to the pile. That's what I thought too! Alot is at stake on all of these decisions.

Yes, I surely do need to calm down. I have pushed the people I love the MOST in the entire world away from me. I just wanna curl up in a ball and just cry and die. Can I feel pain?! Yea... that's all my heart feels anymore. Nothing but pain!