Saturday, December 17, 2011

My Love Grows

You walk in
We make eye contact
My heartbeat is lovin'
How your eyes react
To my smile
We hung out as just friends
And then you asked me out
When you asked me to be your girlfriend
I just wanted to scream and shout
From then on
We spent every last moment
Cherishing the time we had together

Then the unmentionable happened
We broke up!


We make eye contact
My heartbeat is lovin'
How your eyes react
To my smile
It has been a while
Since we have talked
But just the few minutes we do
My love goes even stronger for you
It seems like just yesterday
That you said "Hey!"
And we spent every last moment
Cherishing the time we had together

I promise you
That there will not come a day
That I don't think of you
Everyday I wish there was a way
To tell you that
My love grows for you



Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Don't Worry; He Promised Us

It's a new day
It's a new slate
Everything seems like it's gonna
Turn out great
Until we say
"I can do it on my own
I don't need anyone's help"
Then it feels as though
Everything we have ever known
Just vanished before our eyes

Don't worry
He promised us
That we would be adopted
As His own children
And He would never
Abandon us as orphans
No matter what we do or say
So why does it take a tragedy
To bring us back to you

Going through trials
And becoming miserable
Is the road we've walked for miles
The only comfort we could find
Was through prayer
And reading our Bible

Don't worry
He promised us
That we would be adopted
As His own children
And He would never
Abandon us as orphans
No matter what we do or say
So why does it take a tragedy
To bring us back to you

We fall to our knees
Singing about Your mercy and grace
Making up our minds
That You are all we need
Thank God, You are all we need

Don't worry
He promised us
That we would be adopted
As His own children
And He would never
Abandon us as orphans
No matter what we do or say
So why does it take a tragedy
To bring us back to you

Live Like Yo Mean It

Shine your light so bright
So everyone can see
That it's all about You
It's not about me
Live like you mean it
Live like you mean it

We never get a vacation
From our reputation
'Cause everyone's watching us
Always making a big fuss
When we mess up
But nobody is perfect
So we need to be wise
Making the most
Of every opportunity
No matter what problems arise
We'll be ready
So...

Shine your light so bright
So everyone can see
That it's all about You
It's not about me
Live like you mean it
Live like you mean it

We can say no
To what is wrong
Caught up in the moment
Just going along
And doing stupid things
That later
We're left wondering
Did you really

Shine your light so bright
So everyone can see
That it's all about You
It's not about me
Live like you mean it
Live like you mean it

It's all about You
So live like you mean it

I Want To Know

How can they be this strong
They've been through so much
It's just a hunch
But I think love is the key

Why do they love
Why do they care
What's the big deal

I come in and want friends
They want change
But not sure
What to think of me
I'm just in range
For them to see
I want what God sends

I want to know
(echo: Want to know)
Why do they love
I want to know
(echo: Want to know)
Why do they care
I want to know
(echo: Want to know)
What is the big deal
We all want change
Can this be real

It's a whole new start
A whole new game
We play the part
But it's not the same

Those who were apart
Of our lives are gone
But not forgotten
Separated by miles
But not by the love
In our hearts
It's not jive
So what is it then

I want to know
(echo: Want to know)
Why do they love
I want to know
(echo: Want to know)
Why do they care
I want to know
(echo: Want to know)
What is the big deal
We all want change
Can this be real

I had to cast my anxieties
Under His mighty hand
He always lifts me up
In due time
And it didn't cost a dime

I'm still wondering
Why we accept each other
It's God's plan
That's all I have to say
'Cause there's no other way

He Came Back

My Jesus lives
My Jesus saves
My Jesus is coming back for me
My Savior lives
My Savior saves
My Savior is coming back for me

This kind of gift
Can never wear out
But don't wait
Until it's too late
'Cause when comes
The last call
We'll find out
That the Bible
Was true after all

My Jesus lives
My Jesus saves
My Jesus is coming back for me
My Savior lives
My Savior saves
My Savior is coming back for me

On one clear night
I suddenly heard angels proclaiming
That Jesus was returning

Before I could
Even blink my eye
Or say good-bye
I saw Him
Face to face
Oh, what a glorious sight

My Jesus lives
My Jesus saves
My Savior lives
My Savior saves

My Jesus lives
My Jesus saves
My Jesus came back for me
My Savior live
My Savior saves
My Savior came back for me

My Jesus came back
My Savior came back
He came back for me

Home To You

It seems like they don't care
Going on walking in this world
With so many stories to be told
Trying to find a place to hide
If only they knew you by their side

Give me strength to tell
Give me the words to say
To end the devil's spell
To point to the right way
Help me bring them home to You

I'm your servant
Use me for Your will
Keep me strong and reverent
To honor You until...
I'm with you forever
But until then
I ask you to

Give me strength to tell
Give me the words to say
To end the devil's spell
To point to the right way
Help me bring them home to You

Bring them home
Bring them home

Give me strength to tell
Give me the words to say
To end the devil's spell
To point to the right way
Help me bring them home to You

Help me bring them home to You

Monday, January 31, 2011

My Little Angel

Hard times we face now
But still I will not leave you
Pain and sorrow will fill your heart
As you long to be free

Your face is full of sadness
I long to comfort you
I'm here and waiting in the night
Till I can be with you

My dear you are so precious
You fill my every thought
Without you I am nothing here
My little angel come

In my arms I'll hold you closer
Keep my safe from all the pain
You are my little angel
For whom I give my love

My dear you are so precious
You fill my every thought
Without you I am nothing here
My little angel come

My dear you are so precious
You fill my every thought
Without you I am nothing here
My little angel come

Just Imagine

You're amazing
I want to give you everything
That you ask for
And maybe even a little bit more
'Cause I love you
And all I want
Is for you to be
Always here, right beside me

There's something within
That says to just imagine
What could be
If you are who God has for me
I pray it to be so
But God's the only one
Who would really know

When I hold your hand
I try to understand
If God wants us to be
It's just so hard to see
Why you love me

There's something within
That says to just imagine
What could be
If you are who God has for me
I pray it to be so
But God's the only one
Who would really know

When you say good-bye
I want to try
With all my might
To hold you so tight
And never want to let go
'Cause I want you to know

There's something within
That says to just imagine
What could be
If you are who God has for me
I pray it to be so
But God's the only one
Who would really know

There's something within
That says to just imagine
Just imagine

In God's Hands

When do you know you have a good thing?
How do you know when it's right?
It is when your heart beats fast and you want to sing?
Is it planning different things?
Is it daydreaming the day away?
Or is it on your mind that you just can't sleep at night?
Everyone has his or her own say
But to me there's only one way

It's staying up all night and talking 'til 5
Going to movies until midnight
It's sneaking a kiss around the aisle
Staring at each other with big 'ole smiles
It's holding hands and making plans
And knowing that forever is in God's hands

I don't know the plans God has for us
But here in this moment things feel right
Some people may like to fuss
But with you I see a future that's bright
I don't know what I'd do without you
And I know you feel the same
These feelings I feel are true
And for that my heart is to blame

It's staying up all night and talking 'til 5
Going to movies until midnight
It's sneaking a kiss around the aisle
Staring at each other with big 'ole smiles
It's holding hands and making plans
And knowing that forever is in God's hands

It's holding hands and making plans
And knowing that forever is in God's hands

It's staying up all night and talking 'til 5
Going to movies until midnight
It's sneaking a kiss around the aisle
Staring at each other with big 'ole smiles
It's holding hands and making plans
And knowing that forever is in God's hands

And knowing that forever is in God's hands

Something More

There's so many things I want to say
I'm constantly thinkin' of you
There's all kinds of reasons you're the way
Sometimes I don't know what to do
I wish I could hold you forever
That would be so cool
There is one thing I have to say...
I'm crazy about you

And I'm thinkin' I'm wondering
Could there be more that this?
And I believe That you're the only one
That God has provided for me
And I feel that it's the only way that it should be

Since the day I met you
My life has been so new
You're a big influence on me
And baby that is true
My life would be so different
If you weren't here today
I know there's someone for me
Baby, could it be you?

And I'm thinkin' I'm wondering
Could there be more that this?
And I believe That you're the only one
That God has provided for me
And I feel that it's the only way that it should be


I wanna believe
Yes I wanna believe

I wanna believe there's something more

Your Love

What do you want from me
Where do you want me to go
I stop and pray
Lord, please help me find a way
To honor You

'Cause Your love is amazing
It's never changing
Your love is a mystery
Throughout all of history

He might not answer right away
It may not be what I want it to be
But He has a plan
I just have to follow
Even if I don't understand

'Cause Your love is amazing
It's never changing
Your love is a mystery
Throughout all of history

I will follow You
I don't care what I have to do
No matter what the cost

'Cause Your love is amazing
It's never changing

You sent Your Son
To die on the cross
For our sins
But best of all
You arose from the grave
And You did it all for me

'Cause Your love is amazing
It's never changing
Your love is a mystery
Throughout all of history

I will follow You
I don't care what I have to do
No matter what the cost

'Cause Your love is amazing
It's never changing

Wishes (My Fairy Tale)

Once upon a time
Is how every fairy tale starts
Every princess has a knight
In shining armor
Who has to fight
To win her heart
And in the end
They live happily ever after

But that's all fantasy
Let me tell you how it is actually
Life isn't fair
It's just a game of truth or dare
I spend my time washing dishes
While others thing they have limitless wishes
But if it were up to me
These are what my three wishes would be

I'd wish I could see
My loved ones one more time
I'd with my family would be fine
If they retired or got fired
And I'd wish and hope God provides me
With a person and a family To love with all my heart
And would never be torn apart

We don't always get what we wish for
That's right
That's ok
I know God will open a door
And make my wishes come true someday

I'd wish I could see
My loved ones one more time
I'd with my family would be fine
If they retired or got fired
And I'd wish and hope God provides me
With a person and a family To love with all my heart
And would never be torn apart

Once upon a time
Is how every fairy tale starts...
And in the end
They lived happily ever after

You Have My Heart (It Shows)

Our relationship is strong and true
People wonder how we keep it going
'Cause we're in a long distance relationship
I say, "Who gives a flip
I wouldn't have it any other way
I'm going to marry him one day
He's my prince charming
We believe there's more to us
Than what everyone can see
So, let us be"

We both know
We love each other
We'd do anything for each other
And it shows
You have my heart
And boy it shows
'Cause my dreams always wander
My thoughts are consumed
Of guess who?
Yep, that's right... you

I can't wait for the day when
We see each other again
Holding hands and taking long walks
We'll talk the day away
But then again... Maybe we won't!

You have my heart
And boy it shows

I wonder how a guy like you
Could like a girl like me
But I guess it really doesn't matter 'cause

We both know
We love each other
We'd do anything for each other
And it shows
You have my heart
And boy it shows
'Cause my dreams always wander
My thoughts are consumed
Of guess who?
Yep, that's right... you

You have my heart
And it shows
It shows

Here To Win

Let's start the game
Let's begin
It's God vs. ourselves
We think we're going to win
Uh oh, oh, uh oh, I think we just lost...
That was a huge upset
Oh what a shame
There goes my score in the faith fantasy game
But don't give up
Keep pressing towards the goal

Let's start the game
Let's begin
We're here to fight
We're here to win
This game is my life
I can't do anything with my own might
So let's begin
Oh, one, two, three, break!

Let Jesus be our quarterback
He knows all the right plays
So let Him pick 'em
We hope all the fans stay
'Cause this game is not fake
It's a battle field
And we're here to win

We play to win
There's no turning back
Or trading teams
We're following our dreams
And winning the Super Bowl

Let's start the game
Let's begin
We're here to fight
We're here to win
This game is my life
I can't do anything with my own might
So let's begin
Oh, one, two, three, break!

Let's start the game
Let's begin
'Cause we're here to win


Come Back

I've been lost for so long
And I don't know whom I belong
I've fallen so far away
I guess I'm not that strong
But my friends are calling
And they're saying

Come back to the Lord
Come back oh we're crying
Come back to the Lord your God
He is so kinda and shows mercy
His mercy is so amazing
He doesn't become angry quickly
And He has great love
So, come back to the Lord quickly

He's getting my attention
And I lift my hands in celebration
I feel so lost without Him
I never wanna go back there again
No, I never wanna go back
And that's a fact

I wanna hold onto You forever
There's no one better, no one better
Your my true lover
And I want to serve You
Because I have decided to

Come back to the Lord
Come back oh we're crying
Come back to the Lord your God
He is so kinda and shows mercy
His mercy is so amazing
He doesn't become angry quickly
And He has great love
So, come back to the Lord quickly

Oh, I came back to the Lord quickly
Because I had been lost for too long
And You got my attention
So now I'm holding onto You forever

Always

You always know what to do
There couldn't be anyone any better
When my heart's broken
You always help put it back together
Not with duck tape or superglue
But with your love

You've always had a place in my heart
From the very start
You'll always be my best friend
When everything's going wrong
You'll always be the one whom I depend
You'll always be my prince charming
And I don't deserve the love you're giving

You'll always be able to light up my sky
My eyes sparkle with excitement when you walk in
There's always a smile on my face
And everyone knows why
You always put a smile on my face
And a twinkle in my eyes

You've always had a place in my heart
From the very start
You'll always be my best friend
When everything's going wrong
You'll always be the one whom I depend
You'll always be my prince charming
And I don't deserve the love you're giving

I'll always be your best friend
I'll always be your little angel
I'll always be
I'll always be...

We'll always be best friends

You Still Love Me (I Need A Break)

Do you still love me
If you still love me
Don't come crying back
Don't come crying back

'Cause I had good intentions
But you treated me with so much hate
Now I have to debate
If I should do the same

I've decided to turn my back
And never let you back inside
You caused my heart so much heartache
And I just need a break

You come crawling back on your hands and knees
Pleading for me to take you back
I want things to be as they were before
But you 'caused my heart so my heartache
And I just need a break

You say you still love me
But if you still love me
Don't come crying back
Please don't come crying back

I want to forget everything
That happened between you and me
But...I don't want to forget anything
But you caused my heart so much heartache
And I just need a break

Since you still love me
'Cause you still love me
Don't come crying back
Oh please, I'm begging you
Don't come crying back
'Cause you caused my heart so much heartache
And I just need a break

Attitude by Charles Swindal

The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life.

Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill. It will make or break a company ... a church ... a home.

The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past. We cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable.

The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude ... I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me, and 90% how I react to it. And so it is with you ... we are in charge of our Attitudes.

Sunday, January 30, 2011

Notes I took in church

Genesis 1:1-5

We are all addicted to something!

We lean on other things than Christ, and when we are struggling, we run to the addiction rather than to Christ.

God + God's Word = something POWERFUL

Create- something from nothing, SEPARATE confusion to organization
Separate- detach, peel away



FOUR STEPS OF SEPARATION:

1. Decide
  • Make the decision/choice to separate on your own- someone else can't decide for you
(Is He your Messiah? Is there something to this Christianity thing?)



2. Truth
  • John 17:17b- "Thy Word IS truth!"
  • Lying to yourself is void!
~You got to be honest and say "I HAVE A PROBLEM!"


3. Patience
  • Luke 21:18
  • It takes at least 3 months before you see any signs of results

4. Separate/Separation
  • 3 months!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  • influence(s) that enable your addiction
  • darkness (you can't do it with someone else who is struggling and wanting to change too)
  • identify your triggers to your addictions (people, places, things, events, activities, emotions, dates)
During those trigger points eat more protein- it'll help keep your mood at a steady level.

You do not trade one bad addiction for another bad addiction!

You're supposed to be addicted to the Lord Jesus Christ
  • It beats all else!
  • You'll LOVE it!

You'll start to clutch:
  • Find a loved one to stay with you 'til it's over!!!

You need healthy things to do when you want to go back to your addiction:
  • rest
  • healthy diet

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Night Upon Night (The Day I Pushed You Away)

Two and a half years ago we met
That day I will never forget
I made the mistake of not following my heart
The day came when we went our separate ways
About a year later you called just to say hey
And that was just the start
We grew closer
Night upon night we'd watch each other
Until we both fell asleep
Days went by
'Til I finally got to visit one weekend
Oh, how I never wanted that moment to end
Night upon night I fell asleep next to you
My heart was so full of happiness
All I wanted to do was let you know
Baby, never let me go
Whatever you do
I always want to be by your side
You are the only one I trust and want to confide
Night upon night after that
It wasn't long before I realized
My broken heart had started mending
My broken heart started caring
My broken heart started truly loving
The scars to my wounded heart
Started to heal
I was ready to feel
To make a brand new start
It was moving way too fast
Nothing good ever happens to me
And I realized this was too good to last
Before anything could happen
I tried to push you faster than you wanted
Unfortunately, I pushed you further away
Now I will never forget that day
Night upon night I will never forget
Night upon night I lay awake crying
My only wish is to rewrite
To rewrite history and tell you everything
But it's too late
Even though I've tried to apologize
It's a little too late
All I can do is wait
And allow my heart to agonize...
And night upon night I will never forget
The day I pushed you away

Bound To Happen- The Spill Canvas


"Bound To Happen"

I used to know you like the back of my hand
Until today you held your place
Now you're shifting like the sand
Your chest would heave with pride if I were spoken of
'Till tonight I never knew the difference between comfort and love

Although you're sleeping right next to me
Well, it feels like you are wide awake in a distant dream
leading a life that is finally free
of these endless nights and countless fights that turn us into
who we hate to be

This is so difficult for the both of us
I know we tried so hard, there's just no hope for us
Well it's more than a shame that we lost to this game
All my walking, talking, sleeping, breathing -
nothing will ever be the same

I used to hold you like it's all that I had
Now begins the falling out, we are like a passing fad
Your mouth would crack a smile if I were spoken of
'Till tonight you never thought
you'd lose this epic battle with love

Although you're sleeping right next to me
Well, it feels like you are wide awake in a distant dream
leading a life that is finally free
of these endless nights and countless fights that turn us into
who we hate to be

And this is so difficult for the both of us
I know we tried so hard, there's just no hope for us
Well it's more than a shame that we lost to this game
All my walking, talking, sleeping, breathing -
nothing will ever be the same

For what it's worth, I've always admired you
I always thought that we could make it through
Now look what time can do
It took our masterpiece we built and broke it in two
I always believed in you
I always loved you

And this is so difficult for the both of us
I know we tried so hard, there's just no hope for us
Well it's more than a shame that we lost to this game
All my walking, talking, sleeping, breathing -
nothing will ever be the same

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Nothin' but pain

There are so many things I would like to say. I don't even know where to start. I guess I need to start at the beginning. It has come to my attention that I say one thing and do another. Also, I need to stop freaking out about things. Yes, I have been emotional. Yes, I have changed my mind alot in the past little while. Yes, apparently I have pissed off more than one person.

I have been emotional:
There has been alot going on in my life right now. For one, I have a physical problem that I don't have the money to go get fixed. There is something wrong with my thyroid. It's called Hypothyroidism. It's where you're tired all the time, you're sore for no reason, where you're more emotional than EVER! I know this is a problem that I NEED to get fixed.

My family situation is not the greatest right now. My grandpa has had some strokes recently. He's not gonna live alot longer. My grandma is downsizing their house for when my grandpa passes away. My grandmother is not doing well at all. She has good days and bad days, but I doubt there will be many more good days. I don't know how much longer she has to live. I'm not supposed to be in Charleston. My parents don't agree with me on alot of things. So, as soon as I get a job I have to move out.

The guy I like doesn't want to commit to the relationship. Says I'm rushing it. Which I will have to say that I was. You say you like someone but then don't wanna commit?! I don't understand that at all!!! I have been used sooo many times in my past... I'd rather not be used again. Also, the long distance relationship thing is wayyy too hard... especially when there's no commitment on the other end. If i cheat then it's wrong. If they cheat it's ok 'cause they're not committed. I DON'T GET IT!!! *sigh* Also, since I was engaged before and that went sour I don't want that to happen again. I don't want to get hurt in relationships anymore. I won't have a heart to give or care if I do. :'(

I have changed my mind:
Heck yea. MOVING?! Yea, there had to be a move somewhere. If I stayed in Greenville I'd have to move to an apartment. I would have a job, coach b-ball, play b-ball, and have a good church. If I moved to Monroe I'd have a place to stay and a good paying job. I would be close to my boyfriend. BUT a forever broken relationship with my family. If I moved home I'd have a place to stay 'til I found a job. Hard decision?! Yea... Then my parents wanted to send me to Paris! SAY WHAT?! Yea... add that to the pile. That's what I thought too! Alot is at stake on all of these decisions.


Yes, I surely do need to calm down. I have pushed the people I love the MOST in the entire world away from me. I just wanna curl up in a ball and just cry and die. Can I feel pain?! Yea... that's all my heart feels anymore. Nothing but pain!

Monday, January 10, 2011

ABC's...oh wait, a fourth point!

I went to Palmetto Land Church on January 9, 2011. The sermon was really meaningful to me. It was on Acts 9:1-6. We talked about the ABC's of Beaking OUT of the Rut. Well, I thought there was only going to be three points to the sermon because of the "ABC's", but PRAISE THE LORD there was a fourth step. The fourth step was "Don't wait". We as Americans, adults, young adults, high schoolers, and yes, even children now-a-days put off what we can do tomorrow.

Routine vs. Rut
  1. order 1. boredom
  2. transition 2. apathy
  3. harmony 3. stifle
  4. achievement 4. complacency
  5. protection 5. tradition (negative connotation)

Step 1: Assume. Assume responsibility for YOUR OWN life.
  • Ephesians 4:22-24 states "that you put off, concerning your former conduct, the old man which grows corrupt according to the deceitful lusts, and be renewed in the spirit of your mind, and that you put on the new man which was created according to God, in true righteousness and holiness". So, as believers, we are responsible for taking off the old and putting on the new.
  • We don't need to accuse or excuse our behavior. We need to "choose" to... (step #2).

Step 2: Believe. We need to choose to believe you can change.
  • Isaiah 41:10 is just one very popular verse that says, "FEAR NOT, for I am with you." Yes, "fear not" is the most repeated phrase in the Bible.
  • John 14:12
  • Philippians 4:13 "I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me."

Step 3: Clarify. Clarify what you really want.
  • WRITE IT DOWN. BE SPECIFIC!

Step 4: Don't. Don't wait for ideal circumstances.
  • It never settles down
  • "One of these days" means "none of these days".

So, I have taken the initiative to (step 4) not to wait for the ideal circumstances, and (step 3) clearly and specifically write down what I really want. Now, this is where the name of my blog comes into play. I'm not one to share the desires of my heart so these are my "inner thoughts". ___________________________________________________________________
Long term:

Honor God with my life. I've always valued Psalms 31:10-31- "The Virtuous Wife" chapter. The verse out of this chapter that most know is verse 30, "Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised". This is NOT earthly praise, but a Heavenly praise. Also, Titus 2:1-10 talks about the characteristics of a woman if she is walking with the Lord.

Graduate college. At this moment I'm not even really sure what my true desire to do for the rest of my life is... I know I want to be able to do something to help people: somethin' in the medical field, elementary ed, social work, etc... (these are the fields I am most interested in.) Who knows!?!?

Pray alot harder for the man I'm going to marry. I have always believed that God will give us the desires of our hearts. It's every girl's dreams to live a fairy talk life and find "true love" and live "happily ever after". There are two different kinds of love: 1. UNCONDITIONAL and 2. lustful.
  • Unconditional- not subject to have any conditions.
  • Lust- having a very strong sexual desire for someone.
This world has "love songs". Well, I call them "I'd love to lust after/with you" songs. Sure, God made man and woman to be attracted to eachother, but the world has jaded His intention of the sacred and pure gift He's carefully and willingly planned for us. I definitely want my husband to love the way I look, but I also want him to be deeply and desperately in love with my character and personality as well as my outward beauty. I want him to mean "I love you Raquel" 'cause he really does love me and not because he wants anything but my unconditional love in return.

Get married. EVENTUALLY! Haha!

Raise a family. After I am married I would LOVE to raise kids of my own. I've also thought about adopting because my brothers and I are adopted.

Coach basketball. My passion. I wish I could do it 24/7!

Buy an old house and renovate it. One day I would really like to buy an old house on alot of land. I'd like to fix it up. And I'd really like to own horses! Do I know alot about either of these things?! No! Haha! But I'd love to learn the basics of something new and something useful in life.

Learn more about auto mechanics: Yes, I might have some alterior motives for learning this skill. I have learned, since owning a car, how much work, time, and money it is to maintain an automobile properly. Also, guys think it's hot when a girl is a grease monkey! Haha!

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Short term:

Coach and play basketball: I absolutely LOVE basketball as you might remember from my statement earlier. I don't care how I'm involved in it. I just want to be around it all the time!

Work: I believe that we are supposed to have a good work ethic. We are supposed to have an attitude of excellence. That is how you're gonna feel accomplished at the end of the day after work. Also, your bosses won't have any complaints with your work ethic... other than you might be a workaholic. (Which I definitely am!!!)

College: Honestly, I'd love to go to NC State. They don't really have what I wanna do at this moment... oh wait, I'm not sure what I wanna major in. Haha!

Church: Bible believing. Calvinistic, maybe not the full 5 points. Contemporary but hasn't lost some of the traditional feel. I'd love to help with a girl's Bible study or help with the youth. But I know I still need to be ministered to through a college career class and through older and wiser woman at the church. I love to sing, not that I'm the greatest... but I'd love to be in a praise team ministry.

Dating: Honestly, I don't have to date. I'm very content in my own skin and identity that I don't have to have a boyfriend. There hasn't been a day in my life that I know of that some guy hasn't been interested in me even if I'm not dating. It's kinda weird not to go out on dates anymore... Why don't I?! I don't want to lead guys on when I know I don't like them. I'm not interested in playing the field. I've had my heart broken a few too many times, and I would like to have at least some of my heart when I actually do find the person I've been waiting on.

What am I looking for in a man?:
Godly
Honesty
Loyalty
Humorous (but can be serious)
Chivalrous
Handsome
Great personality
Country (my redneck romeo)
Hard working (not a workaholic)
Dependable
Generous
Loving (willing to be loved- both unconditionally and maritally)
Willing
Humble (yet confident)

I have been talking to a good friend, Chris K., about my truest and deepest desire in this area. I dated Michael my Sophomore year in high school. We dated for 8 months. We broke up, but have continued to be friends over the years. It's been such a great thing but sooo painful. I was anorexic and depressed for 2-2 1/2 years after the breakup. I did date other people for the sake of dating, but my heart was not in it. There are many songs that describe my feelings about this strange relationship but Jerrod Niemann's song "What Do You Want" (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=97BfC4LgrXk) describes how I feel everytime he calls and wants to get together. Everytime we talk and our friendship grows the more painful it is 'cause I know it's not gonna last... it feels like we're breaking up all over again. I am left wondering time and time again, what do you want?!

Over the years I have prayed on many different occasions that if Michael and I weren't meant to be together that he wouldn't be in my life again. Guess what?! That didn't happen. I have prayed that Michael and I would date again. Guess what?! That didn't happen either. Haha! SO FRUSTRATING!!!

  • I will always be there for Michael. I will ALWAYS be his friend
  • If I were dating someone else I would dump them in a heartbeat if Michael wanted to date me again.
  • If Michael was to come to my wedding I doubt I could say "I do" with him there.
  • I can't watch or hang out with Michael if he's interested in someone or dating someone else. And I surely could never attend Michael's wedding if he was marring someone else.

Am I obsessed? No! He was my first true love. And I just love doing things for him like finding weird things for gifts for him (like chocolate shotgun shells) or making him blueberry muffins. I love it!!! I don't need to be in a relationship at this moment anyway... I have alot to deal with without adding that stress to my life. But I would like to be friends with him for now. I would like to talk to him about our past and settle that for myself. I wouldn't take back us dating for anything, but I would take back the whole deal with Bryan and Michael. I didn't handle that like I should have... I was young. It was my first time dealing with anything like that. I wish I could take ALL of that back. I've grown up and learned alot in these past four and a half years!

Relationships: Any relationship isn't gonna work out until my focus and relationship is right with God. I know this! Once that happens I can work on my relationship with others.

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Honestly, I don't think I can get anymore specific than that! Who would have imagined getting all these inner thoughts outta me after a Sunday morning sermon?!