My Love Grows

You walk in

We make eye contact

My heartbeat is lovin'

How your eyes react

To my smile

We hung out as just friends

And then you asked me out

When you asked me to be your girlfriend

I just wanted to scream and shout

From then on

We spent every last moment

Cherishing the time we had together

Then the unmentionable happened

We broke up!

We make eye contact

My heartbeat is lovin'

How your eyes react

To my smile

It has been a while

Since we have talked

But just the few minutes we do

My love goes even stronger for you

It seems like just yesterday

That you said "Hey!"

And we spent every last moment

Cherishing the time we had together

I promise you

That there will not come a day

That I don't think of you

Everyday I wish there was a way

To tell you that

My love grows for you

Don't Worry; He Promised Us

It's a new day

It's a new slate

Everything seems like it's gonna

Turn out great

Until we say

"I can do it on my own

I don't need anyone's help"

Then it feels as though

Everything we have ever known

Just vanished before our eyes

Don't worry

He promised us

That we would be adopted

As His own children

And He would never

Abandon us as orphans

No matter what we do or say

So why does it take a tragedy

To bring us back to you

Going through trials

And becoming miserable

Is the road we've walked for miles

The only comfort we could find

Was through prayer

And reading our Bible

Don't worry

He promised us

That we would be adopted

As His own children

And He would never

Abandon us as orphans

No matter what we do or say

So why does it take a tragedy

To bring us back to you

We fall to our knees

Singing about Your mercy and grace

Making up our minds

That You are all we need

Thank God, You are all we need

Don't worry

He promised us

That we would be adopted

As His own children

And He would never

Abandon us as orphans

No matter what we do or say

So why does it take a tragedy

To bring us back to you

Live Like Yo Mean It

Shine your light so bright

So everyone can see

That it's all about You

It's not about me

Live like you mean it

Live like you mean it

We never get a vacation

From our reputation

'Cause everyone's watching us

Always making a big fuss

When we mess up

But nobody is perfect

So we need to be wise

Making the most

Of every opportunity

No matter what problems arise

We'll be ready

So...

Shine your light so bright

So everyone can see

That it's all about You

It's not about me

Live like you mean it

Live like you mean it

We can say no

To what is wrong

Caught up in the moment

Just going along

And doing stupid things

That later

We're left wondering

Did you really

Shine your light so bright

So everyone can see

That it's all about You

It's not about me

Live like you mean it

Live like you mean it

It's all about You

So live like you mean it

I Want To Know

How can they be this strong

They've been through so much

It's just a hunch

But I think love is the key

Why do they love

Why do they care

What's the big deal

I come in and want friends

They want change

But not sure

What to think of me

I'm just in range

For them to see

I want what God sends

I want to know

(echo: Want to know)

Why do they love

I want to know

(echo: Want to know)

Why do they care

I want to know

(echo: Want to know)

What is the big deal

We all want change

Can this be real

It's a whole new start

A whole new game

We play the part

But it's not the same

Those who were apart

Of our lives are gone

But not forgotten

Separated by miles

But not by the love

In our hearts

It's not jive

So what is it then

I want to know

(echo: Want to know)

Why do they love

I want to know

(echo: Want to know)

Why do they care

I want to know

(echo: Want to know)

What is the big deal

We all want change

Can this be real

I had to cast my anxieties

Under His mighty hand

He always lifts me up

In due time

And it didn't cost a dime

I'm still wondering

Why we accept each other

It's God's plan

That's all I have to say

'Cause there's no other way

He Came Back

My Jesus lives

My Jesus saves

My Jesus is coming back for me

My Savior lives

My Savior saves

My Savior is coming back for me

This kind of gift

Can never wear out

But don't wait

Until it's too late

'Cause when comes

The last call

We'll find out

That the Bible

Was true after all

My Jesus lives

My Jesus saves

My Jesus is coming back for me

My Savior lives

My Savior saves

My Savior is coming back for me

On one clear night

I suddenly heard angels proclaiming

That Jesus was returning

Before I could

Even blink my eye

Or say good-bye

I saw Him

Face to face

Oh, what a glorious sight

My Jesus lives

My Jesus saves

My Savior lives

My Savior saves

My Jesus lives

My Jesus saves

My Jesus came back for me

My Savior live

My Savior saves

My Savior came back for me

My Jesus came back

My Savior came back

He came back for me

Home To You

It seems like they don't care

Going on walking in this world

With so many stories to be told

Trying to find a place to hide

If only they knew you by their side

Give me strength to tell

Give me the words to say

To end the devil's spell

To point to the right way

Help me bring them home to You

I'm your servant

Use me for Your will

Keep me strong and reverent

To honor You until...

I'm with you forever

But until then

I ask you to

Give me strength to tell

Give me the words to say

To end the devil's spell

To point to the right way

Help me bring them home to You

Bring them home

Bring them home

Give me strength to tell

Give me the words to say

To end the devil's spell

To point to the right way

Help me bring them home to You

Help me bring them home to You

My Little Angel

Hard times we face now

But still I will not leave you

Pain and sorrow will fill your heart

As you long to be free

Your face is full of sadness

I long to comfort you

I'm here and waiting in the night

Till I can be with you

My dear you are so precious

You fill my every thought

Without you I am nothing here

My little angel come

In my arms I'll hold you closer

Keep my safe from all the pain

You are my little angel

For whom I give my love

My dear you are so precious

You fill my every thought

Without you I am nothing here

My little angel come

My dear you are so precious

You fill my every thought

Without you I am nothing here

My little angel come

Just Imagine

You're amazing

I want to give you everything

That you ask for

And maybe even a little bit more

'Cause I love you

And all I want

Is for you to be

Always here, right beside me

There's something within

That says to just imagine

What could be

If you are who God has for me

I pray it to be so

But God's the only one

Who would really know

When I hold your hand

I try to understand

If God wants us to be

It's just so hard to see

Why you love me

There's something within

That says to just imagine

What could be

If you are who God has for me

I pray it to be so

But God's the only one

Who would really know

When you say good-bye

I want to try

With all my might

To hold you so tight

And never want to let go

'Cause I want you to know

There's something within

That says to just imagine

What could be

If you are who God has for me

I pray it to be so

But God's the only one

Who would really know

There's something within

That says to just imagine

Just imagine

In God's Hands

When do you know you have a good thing?

How do you know when it's right?

It is when your heart beats fast and you want to sing?

Is it planning different things?

Is it daydreaming the day away?

Or is it on your mind that you just can't sleep at night?

Everyone has his or her own say

But to me there's only one way

It's staying up all night and talking 'til 5

Going to movies until midnight

It's sneaking a kiss around the aisle

Staring at each other with big 'ole smiles

It's holding hands and making plans

And knowing that forever is in God's hands

I don't know the plans God has for us

But here in this moment things feel right

Some people may like to fuss

But with you I see a future that's bright

I don't know what I'd do without you

And I know you feel the same

These feelings I feel are true

And for that my heart is to blame

It's staying up all night and talking 'til 5

Going to movies until midnight

It's sneaking a kiss around the aisle

Staring at each other with big 'ole smiles

It's holding hands and making plans

And knowing that forever is in God's hands

It's holding hands and making plans

And knowing that forever is in God's hands

It's staying up all night and talking 'til 5

Going to movies until midnight

It's sneaking a kiss around the aisle

Staring at each other with big 'ole smiles

It's holding hands and making plans

And knowing that forever is in God's hands

And knowing that forever is in God's hands

Something More

There's so many things I want to say

I'm constantly thinkin' of you

There's all kinds of reasons you're the way

Sometimes I don't know what to do

I wish I could hold you forever

That would be so cool

There is one thing I have to say...

I'm crazy about you

And I'm thinkin' I'm wondering

Could there be more that this?

And I believe That you're the only one

That God has provided for me

And I feel that it's the only way that it should be

Since the day I met you

My life has been so new

You're a big influence on me

And baby that is true

My life would be so different

If you weren't here today

I know there's someone for me

Baby, could it be you?

And I'm thinkin' I'm wondering

Could there be more that this?

And I believe That you're the only one

That God has provided for me

And I feel that it's the only way that it should be

I wanna believe

Yes I wanna believe

I wanna believe there's something more

Your Love

What do you want from me

Where do you want me to go

I stop and pray

Lord, please help me find a way

To honor You

'Cause Your love is amazing

It's never changing

Your love is a mystery

Throughout all of history

He might not answer right away

It may not be what I want it to be

But He has a plan

I just have to follow

Even if I don't understand

'Cause Your love is amazing

It's never changing

Your love is a mystery

Throughout all of history

I will follow You

I don't care what I have to do

No matter what the cost

'Cause Your love is amazing

It's never changing

You sent Your Son

To die on the cross

For our sins

But best of all

You arose from the grave

And You did it all for me

'Cause Your love is amazing

It's never changing

Your love is a mystery

Throughout all of history

I will follow You

I don't care what I have to do

No matter what the cost

'Cause Your love is amazing

It's never changing

Wishes (My Fairy Tale)

Once upon a time

Is how every fairy tale starts

Every princess has a knight

In shining armor

Who has to fight

To win her heart

And in the end

They live happily ever after

But that's all fantasy

Let me tell you how it is actually

Life isn't fair

It's just a game of truth or dare

I spend my time washing dishes

While others thing they have limitless wishes

But if it were up to me

These are what my three wishes would be

I'd wish I could see

My loved ones one more time

I'd with my family would be fine

If they retired or got fired

And I'd wish and hope God provides me

With a person and a family To love with all my heart

And would never be torn apart

We don't always get what we wish for

That's right

That's ok

I know God will open a door

And make my wishes come true someday

I'd wish I could see

My loved ones one more time

I'd with my family would be fine

If they retired or got fired

And I'd wish and hope God provides me

With a person and a family To love with all my heart

And would never be torn apart

Once upon a time

Is how every fairy tale starts...

And in the end

They lived happily ever after

You Have My Heart (It Shows)

Our relationship is strong and true

People wonder how we keep it going

'Cause we're in a long distance relationship

I say, "Who gives a flip

I wouldn't have it any other way

I'm going to marry him one day

He's my prince charming

We believe there's more to us

Than what everyone can see

So, let us be"

We both know

We love each other

We'd do anything for each other

And it shows

You have my heart

And boy it shows

'Cause my dreams always wander

My thoughts are consumed

Of guess who?

Yep, that's right... you

I can't wait for the day when

We see each other again

Holding hands and taking long walks

We'll talk the day away

But then again... Maybe we won't!

You have my heart

And boy it shows

I wonder how a guy like you

Could like a girl like me

But I guess it really doesn't matter 'cause

We both know

We love each other

We'd do anything for each other

And it shows

You have my heart

And boy it shows

'Cause my dreams always wander

My thoughts are consumed

Of guess who?

Yep, that's right... you

You have my heart

And it shows

It shows

Here To Win

Let's start the game

Let's begin

It's God vs. ourselves

We think we're going to win

Uh oh, oh, uh oh, I think we just lost...

That was a huge upset

Oh what a shame

There goes my score in the faith fantasy game

But don't give up

Keep pressing towards the goal

Let's start the game

Let's begin

We're here to fight

We're here to win

This game is my life

I can't do anything with my own might

So let's begin

Oh, one, two, three, break!

Let Jesus be our quarterback

He knows all the right plays

So let Him pick 'em

We hope all the fans stay

'Cause this game is not fake

It's a battle field

And we're here to win

We play to win

There's no turning back

Or trading teams

We're following our dreams

And winning the Super Bowl

Let's start the game

Let's begin

We're here to fight

We're here to win

This game is my life

I can't do anything with my own might

So let's begin

Oh, one, two, three, break!

Let's start the game

Let's begin

'Cause we're here to win

Come Back

I've been lost for so long

And I don't know whom I belong

I've fallen so far away

I guess I'm not that strong

But my friends are calling

And they're saying

Come back to the Lord

Come back oh we're crying

Come back to the Lord your God

He is so kinda and shows mercy

His mercy is so amazing

He doesn't become angry quickly

And He has great love

So, come back to the Lord quickly

He's getting my attention

And I lift my hands in celebration

I feel so lost without Him

I never wanna go back there again

No, I never wanna go back

And that's a fact

I wanna hold onto You forever

There's no one better, no one better

Your my true lover

And I want to serve You

Because I have decided to

Come back to the Lord

Come back oh we're crying

Come back to the Lord your God

He is so kinda and shows mercy

His mercy is so amazing

He doesn't become angry quickly

And He has great love

So, come back to the Lord quickly

Oh, I came back to the Lord quickly

Because I had been lost for too long

And You got my attention

So now I'm holding onto You forever

Always

You always know what to do

There couldn't be anyone any better

When my heart's broken

You always help put it back together

Not with duck tape or superglue

But with your love

You've always had a place in my heart

From the very start

You'll always be my best friend

When everything's going wrong

You'll always be the one whom I depend

You'll always be my prince charming

And I don't deserve the love you're giving

You'll always be able to light up my sky

My eyes sparkle with excitement when you walk in

There's always a smile on my face

And everyone knows why

You always put a smile on my face

And a twinkle in my eyes

You've always had a place in my heart

From the very start

You'll always be my best friend

When everything's going wrong

You'll always be the one whom I depend

You'll always be my prince charming

And I don't deserve the love you're giving

I'll always be your best friend

I'll always be your little angel

I'll always be

I'll always be...

We'll always be best friends

You Still Love Me (I Need A Break)

Do you still love me

If you still love me

Don't come crying back

Don't come crying back

'Cause I had good intentions

But you treated me with so much hate

Now I have to debate

If I should do the same

I've decided to turn my back

And never let you back inside

You caused my heart so much heartache

And I just need a break

You come crawling back on your hands and knees

Pleading for me to take you back

I want things to be as they were before

But you 'caused my heart so my heartache

And I just need a break

You say you still love me

But if you still love me

Don't come crying back

Please don't come crying back

I want to forget everything

That happened between you and me

But...I don't want to forget anything

But you caused my heart so much heartache

And I just need a break

Since you still love me

'Cause you still love me

Don't come crying back

Oh please, I'm begging you

Don't come crying back

'Cause you caused my heart so much heartache

And I just need a break

Attitude by Charles Swindal

The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life.

Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill. It will make or break a company ... a church ... a home.

The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past. We cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable.

The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude ... I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me, and 90% how I react to it. And so it is with you ... we are in charge of our Attitudes.

Notes I took in church

Genesis 1:1-5

We are all addicted to something!

We lean on other things than Christ, and when we are struggling, we run to the addiction rather than to Christ.

God + God's Word = something POWERFUL

Create- something from nothing, SEPARATE confusion to organization

Separate- detach, peel away

FOUR STEPS OF SEPARATION:

1. Decide

• Make the decision/choice to separate on your own- someone else can't decide for you

(Is He your Messiah? Is there something to this Christianity thing?)

2. Truth

• John 17:17b- "Thy Word IS truth!"
• Lying to yourself is void!

~You got to be honest and say "I HAVE A PROBLEM!"

3. Patience

• Luke 21:18
• It takes at least 3 months before you see any signs of results

4. Separate/Separation

• 3 months!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
• influence(s) that enable your addiction
• darkness (you can't do it with someone else who is struggling and wanting to change too)
• identify your triggers to your addictions (people, places, things, events, activities, emotions, dates)

During those trigger points eat more protein- it'll help keep your mood at a steady level.

You do not trade one bad addiction for another bad addiction!

You're supposed to be addicted to the Lord Jesus Christ

• It beats all else!
• You'll LOVE it!

You'll start to clutch:

• Find a loved one to stay with you 'til it's over!!!

You need healthy things to do when you want to go back to your addiction:

• rest
• healthy diet

Night Upon Night (The Day I Pushed You Away)

Two and a half years ago we met

That day I will never forget

I made the mistake of not following my heart

The day came when we went our separate ways

About a year later you called just to say hey

And that was just the start

We grew closer

Night upon night we'd watch each other

Until we both fell asleep

Days went by

'Til I finally got to visit one weekend

Oh, how I never wanted that moment to end

Night upon night I fell asleep next to you

My heart was so full of happiness

All I wanted to do was let you know

Baby, never let me go

Whatever you do

I always want to be by your side

You are the only one I trust and want to confide

Night upon night after that

It wasn't long before I realized

My broken heart had started mending

My broken heart started caring

My broken heart started truly loving

The scars to my wounded heart

Started to heal

I was ready to feel

To make a brand new start

It was moving way too fast

Nothing good ever happens to me

And I realized this was too good to last

Before anything could happen

I tried to push you faster than you wanted

Unfortunately, I pushed you further away

Now I will never forget that day

Night upon night I will never forget

Night upon night I lay awake crying

My only wish is to rewrite

To rewrite history and tell you everything

But it's too late

Even though I've tried to apologize

It's a little too late

All I can do is wait

And allow my heart to agonize...

And night upon night I will never forget

The day I pushed you away

Bound To Happen- The Spill Canvas

"Bound To Happen"

I used to know you like the back of my hand
Until today you held your place
Now you're shifting like the sand
Your chest would heave with pride if I were spoken of
'Till tonight I never knew the difference between comfort and love

Although you're sleeping right next to me
Well, it feels like you are wide awake in a distant dream
leading a life that is finally free
of these endless nights and countless fights that turn us into
who we hate to be

This is so difficult for the both of us
I know we tried so hard, there's just no hope for us
Well it's more than a shame that we lost to this game
All my walking, talking, sleeping, breathing -
nothing will ever be the same

I used to hold you like it's all that I had
Now begins the falling out, we are like a passing fad
Your mouth would crack a smile if I were spoken of
'Till tonight you never thought
you'd lose this epic battle with love

Although you're sleeping right next to me
Well, it feels like you are wide awake in a distant dream
leading a life that is finally free
of these endless nights and countless fights that turn us into
who we hate to be

And this is so difficult for the both of us
I know we tried so hard, there's just no hope for us
Well it's more than a shame that we lost to this game
All my walking, talking, sleeping, breathing -
nothing will ever be the same

For what it's worth, I've always admired you
I always thought that we could make it through
Now look what time can do
It took our masterpiece we built and broke it in two
I always believed in you
I always loved you

And this is so difficult for the both of us
I know we tried so hard, there's just no hope for us
Well it's more than a shame that we lost to this game
All my walking, talking, sleeping, breathing -
nothing will ever be the same

Nothin' but pain

There are so many things I would like to say. I don't even know where to start. I guess I need to start at the beginning. It has come to my attention that I say one thing and do another. Also, I need to stop freaking out about things. Yes, I have been emotional. Yes, I have changed my mind alot in the past little while. Yes, apparently I have pissed off more than one person.

I have been emotional:

There has been alot going on in my life right now. For one, I have a physical problem that I don't have the money to go get fixed. There is something wrong with my thyroid. It's called Hypothyroidism. It's where you're tired all the time, you're sore for no reason, where you're more emotional than EVER! I know this is a problem that I NEED to get fixed.

My family situation is not the greatest right now. My grandpa has had some strokes recently. He's not gonna live alot longer. My grandma is downsizing their house for when my grandpa passes away. My grandmother is not doing well at all. She has good days and bad days, but I doubt there will be many more good days. I don't know how much longer she has to live. I'm not supposed to be in Charleston. My parents don't agree with me on alot of things. So, as soon as I get a job I have to move out.

The guy I like doesn't want to commit to the relationship. Says I'm rushing it. Which I will have to say that I was. You say you like someone but then don't wanna commit?! I don't understand that at all!!! I have been used sooo many times in my past... I'd rather not be used again. Also, the long distance relationship thing is wayyy too hard... especially when there's no commitment on the other end. If i cheat then it's wrong. If they cheat it's ok 'cause they're not committed. I DON'T GET IT!!! *sigh* Also, since I was engaged before and that went sour I don't want that to happen again. I don't want to get hurt in relationships anymore. I won't have a heart to give or care if I do. :'(

I have changed my mind:

Heck yea. MOVING?! Yea, there had to be a move somewhere. If I stayed in Greenville I'd have to move to an apartment. I would have a job, coach b-ball, play b-ball, and have a good church. If I moved to Monroe I'd have a place to stay and a good paying job. I would be close to my boyfriend. BUT a forever broken relationship with my family. If I moved home I'd have a place to stay 'til I found a job. Hard decision?! Yea... Then my parents wanted to send me to Paris! SAY WHAT?! Yea... add that to the pile. That's what I thought too! Alot is at stake on all of these decisions.

Yes, I surely do need to calm down. I have pushed the people I love the MOST in the entire world away from me. I just wanna curl up in a ball and just cry and die. Can I feel pain?! Yea... that's all my heart feels anymore. Nothing but pain!

ABC's...oh wait, a fourth point!

I went to Palmetto Land Church on January 9, 2011. The sermon was really meaningful to me. It was on Acts 9:1-6. We talked about the ABC's of Beaking OUT of the Rut. Well, I thought there was only going to be three points to the sermon because of the "ABC's", but PRAISE THE LORD there was a fourth step. The fourth step was "Don't wait". We as Americans, adults, young adults, high schoolers, and yes, even children now-a-days put off what we can do tomorrow.

Routine vs. Rut

1. order 1. boredom
2. transition 2. apathy
3. harmony 3. stifle
4. achievement 4. complacency
5. protection 5. tradition (negative connotation)

Step 1: Assume. Assume responsibility for YOUR OWN life.

• Ephesians 4:22-24 states "that you put off, concerning your former conduct, the old man which grows corrupt according to the deceitful lusts, and be renewed in the spirit of your mind, and that you put on the new man which was created according to God, in true righteousness and holiness". So, as believers, we are responsible for taking off the old and putting on the new.

• We don't need to accuse or excuse our behavior. We need to "choose" to... (step #2).

Step 2: Believe. We need to choose to believe you can change.

• Isaiah 41:10 is just one very popular verse that says, "FEAR NOT, for I am with you." Yes, "fear not" is the most repeated phrase in the Bible.
• John 14:12
• Philippians 4:13 "I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me."

Step 3: Clarify. Clarify what you really want.

• WRITE IT DOWN. BE SPECIFIC!

Step 4: Don't. Don't wait for ideal circumstances.

• It never settles down
• "One of these days" means "none of these days".

So, I have taken the initiative to (step 4) not to wait for the ideal circumstances, and (step 3) clearly and specifically write down what I really want. Now, this is where the name of my blog comes into play. I'm not one to share the desires of my heart so these are my "inner thoughts". ___________________________________________________________________

Long term:

Honor God with my life. I've always valued Psalms 31:10-31- "The Virtuous Wife" chapter. The verse out of this chapter that most know is verse 30, "Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised". This is NOT earthly praise, but a Heavenly praise. Also, Titus 2:1-10 talks about the characteristics of a woman if she is walking with the Lord.

Graduate college. At this moment I'm not even really sure what my true desire to do for the rest of my life is... I know I want to be able to do something to help people: somethin' in the medical field, elementary ed, social work, etc... (these are the fields I am most interested in.) Who knows!?!?

Pray alot harder for the man I'm going to marry. I have always believed that God will give us the desires of our hearts. It's every girl's dreams to live a fairy talk life and find "true love" and live "happily ever after". There are two different kinds of love: 1. UNCONDITIONAL and 2. lustful.

• Unconditional- not subject to have any conditions.
• Lust- having a very strong sexual desire for someone.

This world has "love songs". Well, I call them "I'd love to lust after/with you" songs. Sure, God made man and woman to be attracted to eachother, but the world has jaded His intention of the sacred and pure gift He's carefully and willingly planned for us. I definitely want my husband to love the way I look, but I also want him to be deeply and desperately in love with my character and personality as well as my outward beauty. I want him to mean "I love you Raquel" 'cause he really does love me and not because he wants anything but my unconditional love in return.

Get married. EVENTUALLY! Haha!

Raise a family. After I am married I would LOVE to raise kids of my own. I've also thought about adopting because my brothers and I are adopted.

Coach basketball. My passion. I wish I could do it 24/7!

Buy an old house and renovate it. One day I would really like to buy an old house on alot of land. I'd like to fix it up. And I'd really like to own horses! Do I know alot about either of these things?! No! Haha! But I'd love to learn the basics of something new and something useful in life.

Learn more about auto mechanics: Yes, I might have some alterior motives for learning this skill. I have learned, since owning a car, how much work, time, and money it is to maintain an automobile properly. Also, guys think it's hot when a girl is a grease monkey! Haha!

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Short term:

Coach and play basketball: I absolutely LOVE basketball as you might remember from my statement earlier. I don't care how I'm involved in it. I just want to be around it all the time!

Work: I believe that we are supposed to have a good work ethic. We are supposed to have an attitude of excellence. That is how you're gonna feel accomplished at the end of the day after work. Also, your bosses won't have any complaints with your work ethic... other than you might be a workaholic. (Which I definitely am!!!)

College: Honestly, I'd love to go to NC State. They don't really have what I wanna do at this moment... oh wait, I'm not sure what I wanna major in. Haha!

Church: Bible believing. Calvinistic, maybe not the full 5 points. Contemporary but hasn't lost some of the traditional feel. I'd love to help with a girl's Bible study or help with the youth. But I know I still need to be ministered to through a college career class and through older and wiser woman at the church. I love to sing, not that I'm the greatest... but I'd love to be in a praise team ministry.

Dating: Honestly, I don't have to date. I'm very content in my own skin and identity that I don't have to have a boyfriend. There hasn't been a day in my life that I know of that some guy hasn't been interested in me even if I'm not dating. It's kinda weird not to go out on dates anymore... Why don't I?! I don't want to lead guys on when I know I don't like them. I'm not interested in playing the field. I've had my heart broken a few too many times, and I would like to have at least some of my heart when I actually do find the person I've been waiting on.

What am I looking for in a man?:

Godly

Honesty

Loyalty

Humorous (but can be serious)

Chivalrous

Handsome

Great personality

Country (my redneck romeo)

Hard working (not a workaholic)

Dependable

Generous

Loving (willing to be loved- both unconditionally and maritally)

Willing

Humble (yet confident)

I have been talking to a good friend, Chris K., about my truest and deepest desire in this area. I dated Michael my Sophomore year in high school. We dated for 8 months. We broke up, but have continued to be friends over the years. It's been such a great thing but sooo painful. I was anorexic and depressed for 2-2 1/2 years after the breakup. I did date other people for the sake of dating, but my heart was not in it. There are many songs that describe my feelings about this strange relationship but Jerrod Niemann's song "What Do You Want" (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=97BfC4LgrXk) describes how I feel everytime he calls and wants to get together. Everytime we talk and our friendship grows the more painful it is 'cause I know it's not gonna last... it feels like we're breaking up all over again. I am left wondering time and time again, what do you want?!

Over the years I have prayed on many different occasions that if Michael and I weren't meant to be together that he wouldn't be in my life again. Guess what?! That didn't happen. I have prayed that Michael and I would date again. Guess what?! That didn't happen either. Haha! SO FRUSTRATING!!!

• I will always be there for Michael. I will ALWAYS be his friend
• If I were dating someone else I would dump them in a heartbeat if Michael wanted to date me again.
• If Michael was to come to my wedding I doubt I could say "I do" with him there.
• I can't watch or hang out with Michael if he's interested in someone or dating someone else. And I surely could never attend Michael's wedding if he was marring someone else.

Am I obsessed? No! He was my first true love. And I just love doing things for him like finding weird things for gifts for him (like chocolate shotgun shells) or making him blueberry muffins. I love it!!! I don't need to be in a relationship at this moment anyway... I have alot to deal with without adding that stress to my life. But I would like to be friends with him for now. I would like to talk to him about our past and settle that for myself. I wouldn't take back us dating for anything, but I would take back the whole deal with Bryan and Michael. I didn't handle that like I should have... I was young. It was my first time dealing with anything like that. I wish I could take ALL of that back. I've grown up and learned alot in these past four and a half years!

Relationships: Any relationship isn't gonna work out until my focus and relationship is right with God. I know this! Once that happens I can work on my relationship with others.

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Honestly, I don't think I can get anymore specific than that! Who would have imagined getting all these inner thoughts outta me after a Sunday morning sermon?!