Everything That You Ever Wanted

"I tried to be perfect, tried to be honest
Tried to be everything that you ever wanted
I tried to be stronger, tried to be smarter
Tried to be everything but you" (Everything That You Ever Wanted by Hawk Nelson).

This song has been a huge blessing in my life over my high school years and now even into my college years. The chorus has been my life for the past 6 years. Have you ever tied to live up to what your friends, family, and ect.. want you to be? Sure, all of have done that at some point in our lives. However, I have done that to the point of pretty much living a double life at times. I honored my parents rules and lived up to their expectations until my Sr. year in high school. I had some rather interesting friends that year and was dating someone that I probably shouldn't have been. So, when my parents found out a few things right after New Years I was grounded, unless it was church or doing stuff with friends they approved of, for the rest of my Sr. year.

My summer right after high school I was sooo excited to work at a Christian camp. I really lived, learned, worked, and made decisions that would make God and my friends and family proud. Then I went to BJU which my Grandparents and parents LOVED! They thought maybe I was through with my "rebellious" stage in life. I really enjoyed BJU, other than I felt scared of getting demerits, which I didn't get! Haha! About 2 1/2 months into my attendance at the college I got kicked out. It was over something they couldn't prove that I did and I couldn't prove I didn't do (WHICH I DIDN'T DO!!!). So. God was gracious and let me find a job right away when I got back and the next semester I attended Trident Technical College. The classes were easy and I actually had fun making friends in my classes! Well, around spring time I started turning back into my "rebellious" state 'cause living at home was extremely hard. I didn't understand why my parents still had to CONTROL my life when I had a job, was livin' right, and was taking tons of credits at school. So, during the spring and summer I just went totally crazy with rebellion sometimes.

My parents MADE me move to my Grandparents house in Greenville, SC for the next semester. Honestly, I didn't really know what I wanted to do with my life, I didn't wanna move, and I especially didn't wanna move in with my Grandparents. I knew my parents wanted me to move in with them was because they still wanted control over my life and wanted to know what I was doing. So, for a while I was doing really well with my new chruch, job, school, coaching b-ball, and playing b-ball. I had made some friends through these activities, but we were ALL wayyy too busy to do anything outside of these activities. It made me really lonely. Well, I had been dating Justin Meador while I was in Greenville. He lives in Monroe, NC. I spend alot of my weekends driving up there to visit him. I didn't tell my family where I was going or that I was even going. I knew they would just flip out. Well, eventually they did find out. They got mad and told me I wasn't allowed to visit my own boyfriend anymore. He had to come see me... which is all good but he is broke right now. So, it made me frustrated. I did go see him again... now I'm not allowed to live at home or with my grandparents. So, I'm probably moving to Monroe to live with Justin's extended family 'cause they actually love me!

So, I didn't turn out like my family thought I should. However, I can help blessed and be blessed by a new group of people. There is alot of hurt and pain that has to be mended in Monroe that I haven't been able to deal with 'cause I was not up there.

I've tried 110%, but just can't do it anymore. I can't live like a fake anymore. I can't hide who I really am. I'm sorry!!!

How can I fix a broken heart?!

How am I supposed to ask for someone to love me when their heart is broken, disappointed, hurt, betrayed, and they don't feel love? So how are they supposed to love themselves? My heart is aching for a way to not just ducktape their heart back together. But I have finally figured out that no matter how hard I try, it's just going to lead to disappointment, frustration, and failure. It's not my job to fix their heart even though it's my deepest desire. How can I fix a broken heart when mine is hurting, aching, and broken itself?

Worth The Wait

What Should We Do?!

He's 21

I'm 19

He's a Christian

I'm a Christian

He's at the Citadel

I'm at Trident Tech

He likes me

I like him

If you look at us we're like two peas in a pod.

His parents don't want him dating

Mine don't really care

What should we do?!

Options:

1. Just be friends

2. Date and sneak around from his parents

3. Wait

Yep, that's what I thought... it doesn't look good for the dating aspect. We really don't wanna go against his parent's wishes, but we also want to date. AHHH...I really hate parent's decisions sometimes. I am glad he's willing to respect their wishes though. He's 21 and going to be a Marine when he graduates from the Citadel; I think he can make his own decisions now. I know they probably don't want any distractions for him before he accomplishes his goals. But you know what?! I'm NOT going to be a distraction 'cause I KNOW he can accomplish alot, and I don't wanna be the one to stand in his way. I want to see him succeed. This is sooo frustrating!!! Oh well, that's life I guess.

Good to go!!!

Roger!!!

My life during the year 2009

2009 was an interesting year. The year started off with my brothers and I getting in trouble for sneaking beer into the house. I was grounded for 6 months. I had to talk to my Varsity basketball coaches and tell them what happened. Honestly, I thought they were going to tell me that I couldn’t be team captain anymore. They didn’t. They just made me sit out one game. That was a joke ‘cause they let our starting players play for 3 minutes and then sat out for the rest of the game.

Basketball was a joke this year. There was NO competition in our division this year. We put in our starters for half the game and then let the second and third string play the rest of the game. We were really discouraged. We were in a Home School tournament in GA at the end of the season. We could have come out first but didn’t. I think we got 5^th place. We played a team called the Mustangs. We could have beaten them but choked. The next day we played another team. We tied and went into overtime. We lost by 1 point. It was so disappointing. Our third game we won. It was really discouraging. We came back a different team. The next end of the year tournament we played was in Greenville, SC. We won it the year before. We went in playing the # 4 team and LOST! Our coaches made up play with plays we had just learned and spent and hour practicing. Our entire team went to the bathroom and cried. We were so mad. Of course we were supposed to play the Upstate Eagles in the championship but got 3^rd place. It was a very disappointing senior year. Oh, and here’s another thing. Both those tournament’s winning teams went to play for nationals and the Mustangs won 1^st and the Upstate Eagles won 3^rd! :O Yea, we could have won NATIONALS! Oh well…

Then the time for prom came. I helped my mom decorate and plan prom. It was great!!! Mrs. Feldt helped too! We all really enjoyed it. The group that I went with was Russell Payne, Ian Neuhaus, Jordan Stauffer, Bethany Moller, Charles Lanning, Zack Bearden, Cathrine, and Me. We all went as friends! It was a really fun time. We rented a limo, went to the Olive Garden, went to prom, and then came back to my house for a bon fire and s’mores!

Ian wanted to ask me out to prom the entire second semester. I really would have liked to go with him, but I didn’t want him to think that I liked him. Michael Feldt helped set up prom and come to prom and then helped clean up prom. That was really hard for me ‘cause I liked him so much. We enjoyed spending time together some…

Graduation was next! Seniors of the class of ’09. There was NO better class of kids! We prepared for graduation for so long. It was a really nice day. We sang “The National Anthem”, “In Christ Alone”, and “Lifesong”. A lot of our seniors weren’t very talented at singing so it was really hard to go to practice prepared and they didn’t have any clue on what they were doing. After prom we went to Megan’s party! Mr. Feldt told me that Michael and I needed to hang out and go to dinner sometime soon. Michael agreed this plan. The next day Russell and I had our graduation party at our house! It was really great ‘cause ALL of the people we love came! I think this was my FAVORITE time in the world!

Summer: I went to the Anchorage camp during the summer. It was 11 weeks of camp. I was an O.P. staff girl. We cooked, cleaned, ran the snack shop, waitressed, etc… It was a really challenging summer for many different reasons but it was so enjoyable! There was a week during the middle of camp that we went to a race that was 5 miles. I actually ran it in less than an hour! I was really excited!

I really liked Caleb Sparrow the entire summer. It was kinda weird ‘cause he was the first guy that I really liked since breaking up with Michael. Alexa got in my business the entire summer trying to make sure Caleb and I got together. It was a mess! Everyone hated that I liked him. But guess what?! I stayed away from him other than on weekends. We agreed that he and I would work during the week and talk on the weekends. The last day I was at camp was the best ‘cause Caleb and I talked for a long time and got to hang out!!! It was amazing. I knew we would see each other at BJU. That was promising!

Every weekend we got our phones back after we finished eating our lunch and had our weekly staff meeting! I would text Michael every weekend and on Monday morning I would call him. It was really fun ‘cause I was always working and he was always working but we made time to talk!

The Fourth of July was really fun ‘cause I came home and Michael came over to hang. We ate dinner and then blew up frogs! Lol! It was a real enjoyable evening. I gave Michael a Chevy shirt for his birthday and he gave me a Browning necklace. I love it! I wear it ALL the time!

I went home for about 2 months after camp.

I went to BJU in the fall. I took Bio 102 (and a 2 hr. lab), English 101, Food Prep (and a 2 hr. lab), Speech, Orientation, and Old Testament. I worked 10 hours a week in the Dining Common. I joined the Bandits!!! It was an awesome society. I played volleyball- #15. My dorm was Nell Sunday 233. My roommates were Brittany, Anna, and Chelsea. I was at BJU for 2 ½ months and got kicked out.

My best friends were Kristin King, Rene, Tyler Mills, Caleb Sparrow, Jillian, Kaylie Westmoreland, and Wendi Tripp (there were some more). Caleb asked my dad if he and I could date. My dad said that we couldn’t at the moment ‘cause my family didn’t know him. I spent ALL my free time with Caleb. Goodness, I really liked him.

My roommates said that I stole one of their sweaters. :O Yea, me steal something?! Right. Well, they got away with it and I came home.

I came home and found a job at Old Fort’s Kid’s Fort after school program. It was a blessing from God ‘cause the economy is not the best at the moment. I love my job!!! I am a teacher for preschoolers through first graders. Jaden, Jared, Grace, Hailey, Shelbie, Aaliyah, Matthew, Ty, Rachel, and Katie are my little treasured students.

I got accepted to Trident Technical College for next semester! I am going for FREE! Even my books are paid for. I plan on taking History 101, Computer 101, English 102, and Speech. I would love to take more but I’m also going to be working so I don’t think I could take a lot more. I might add on a 3 hour class that’s for preparing Freshman for college. EASY!

My church has been really supportive! I love them so much! I have gone back to the youth group ‘cause I have a couple of girls that I absolutely adore. I’ve been apart of our deeper subjects and just being there for them ‘cause they have been there for me. I am back in our praise team!!! Catie, Mariah, Rachel, Rebekah, and I are planning on recording some stuff that we’ve sung and sing at other churches. We will be starting all of that up next year (which is soon!).

New Year’s Eve plans: Russell, Andrew, Andrea, Evan, Michael, John, and I are going over to the Waddell’s house to eat dinner, set off fireworks, watch movies, go in the hot tub, and just have a great time!!! :D

Even though 2009 was challenging at times there was NO way I would change anything in it! There were so many lessons that I needed to learn, so many people I met and love, so many things I regret, etc…! The main thing that I learned was from camp- Glorifying God in your life (Ephesians 1:12).

(There’s probably a lot more that I did and learned, but I can’t remember it at the moment. I am so glad they have an “edit” button on this blog!)