Tried to be everything that you ever wanted
I tried to be stronger, tried to be smarter
Tried to be everything but you" (Everything That You Ever Wanted by Hawk Nelson).
This song has been a huge blessing in my life over my high school years and now even into my college years. The chorus has been my life for the past 6 years. Have you ever tied to live up to what your friends, family, and ect.. want you to be? Sure, all of have done that at some point in our lives. However, I have done that to the point of pretty much living a double life at times. I honored my parents rules and lived up to their expectations until my Sr. year in high school. I had some rather interesting friends that year and was dating someone that I probably shouldn't have been. So, when my parents found out a few things right after New Years I was grounded, unless it was church or doing stuff with friends they approved of, for the rest of my Sr. year.
My summer right after high school I was sooo excited to work at a Christian camp. I really lived, learned, worked, and made decisions that would make God and my friends and family proud. Then I went to BJU which my Grandparents and parents LOVED! They thought maybe I was through with my "rebellious" stage in life. I really enjoyed BJU, other than I felt scared of getting demerits, which I didn't get! Haha! About 2 1/2 months into my attendance at the college I got kicked out. It was over something they couldn't prove that I did and I couldn't prove I didn't do (WHICH I DIDN'T DO!!!). So. God was gracious and let me find a job right away when I got back and the next semester I attended Trident Technical College. The classes were easy and I actually had fun making friends in my classes! Well, around spring time I started turning back into my "rebellious" state 'cause living at home was extremely hard. I didn't understand why my parents still had to CONTROL my life when I had a job, was livin' right, and was taking tons of credits at school. So, during the spring and summer I just went totally crazy with rebellion sometimes.
My parents MADE me move to my Grandparents house in Greenville, SC for the next semester. Honestly, I didn't really know what I wanted to do with my life, I didn't wanna move, and I especially didn't wanna move in with my Grandparents. I knew my parents wanted me to move in with them was because they still wanted control over my life and wanted to know what I was doing. So, for a while I was doing really well with my new chruch, job, school, coaching b-ball, and playing b-ball. I had made some friends through these activities, but we were ALL wayyy too busy to do anything outside of these activities. It made me really lonely. Well, I had been dating Justin Meador while I was in Greenville. He lives in Monroe, NC. I spend alot of my weekends driving up there to visit him. I didn't tell my family where I was going or that I was even going. I knew they would just flip out. Well, eventually they did find out. They got mad and told me I wasn't allowed to visit my own boyfriend anymore. He had to come see me... which is all good but he is broke right now. So, it made me frustrated. I did go see him again... now I'm not allowed to live at home or with my grandparents. So, I'm probably moving to Monroe to live with Justin's extended family 'cause they actually love me!
So, I didn't turn out like my family thought I should. However, I can help blessed and be blessed by a new group of people. There is alot of hurt and pain that has to be mended in Monroe that I haven't been able to deal with 'cause I was not up there.
I've tried 110%, but just can't do it anymore. I can't live like a fake anymore. I can't hide who I really am. I'm sorry!!!
