Nothin' but pain

There are so many things I would like to say. I don't even know where to start. I guess I need to start at the beginning. It has come to my attention that I say one thing and do another. Also, I need to stop freaking out about things. Yes, I have been emotional. Yes, I have changed my mind alot in the past little while. Yes, apparently I have pissed off more than one person.

I have been emotional:

There has been alot going on in my life right now. For one, I have a physical problem that I don't have the money to go get fixed. There is something wrong with my thyroid. It's called Hypothyroidism. It's where you're tired all the time, you're sore for no reason, where you're more emotional than EVER! I know this is a problem that I NEED to get fixed.

My family situation is not the greatest right now. My grandpa has had some strokes recently. He's not gonna live alot longer. My grandma is downsizing their house for when my grandpa passes away. My grandmother is not doing well at all. She has good days and bad days, but I doubt there will be many more good days. I don't know how much longer she has to live. I'm not supposed to be in Charleston. My parents don't agree with me on alot of things. So, as soon as I get a job I have to move out.

The guy I like doesn't want to commit to the relationship. Says I'm rushing it. Which I will have to say that I was. You say you like someone but then don't wanna commit?! I don't understand that at all!!! I have been used sooo many times in my past... I'd rather not be used again. Also, the long distance relationship thing is wayyy too hard... especially when there's no commitment on the other end. If i cheat then it's wrong. If they cheat it's ok 'cause they're not committed. I DON'T GET IT!!! *sigh* Also, since I was engaged before and that went sour I don't want that to happen again. I don't want to get hurt in relationships anymore. I won't have a heart to give or care if I do. :'(

I have changed my mind:

Heck yea. MOVING?! Yea, there had to be a move somewhere. If I stayed in Greenville I'd have to move to an apartment. I would have a job, coach b-ball, play b-ball, and have a good church. If I moved to Monroe I'd have a place to stay and a good paying job. I would be close to my boyfriend. BUT a forever broken relationship with my family. If I moved home I'd have a place to stay 'til I found a job. Hard decision?! Yea... Then my parents wanted to send me to Paris! SAY WHAT?! Yea... add that to the pile. That's what I thought too! Alot is at stake on all of these decisions.

Yes, I surely do need to calm down. I have pushed the people I love the MOST in the entire world away from me. I just wanna curl up in a ball and just cry and die. Can I feel pain?! Yea... that's all my heart feels anymore. Nothing but pain!

ABC's...oh wait, a fourth point!

I went to Palmetto Land Church on January 9, 2011. The sermon was really meaningful to me. It was on Acts 9:1-6. We talked about the ABC's of Beaking OUT of the Rut. Well, I thought there was only going to be three points to the sermon because of the "ABC's", but PRAISE THE LORD there was a fourth step. The fourth step was "Don't wait". We as Americans, adults, young adults, high schoolers, and yes, even children now-a-days put off what we can do tomorrow.

Routine vs. Rut

1. order 1. boredom
2. transition 2. apathy
3. harmony 3. stifle
4. achievement 4. complacency
5. protection 5. tradition (negative connotation)

Step 1: Assume. Assume responsibility for YOUR OWN life.

• Ephesians 4:22-24 states "that you put off, concerning your former conduct, the old man which grows corrupt according to the deceitful lusts, and be renewed in the spirit of your mind, and that you put on the new man which was created according to God, in true righteousness and holiness". So, as believers, we are responsible for taking off the old and putting on the new.

• We don't need to accuse or excuse our behavior. We need to "choose" to... (step #2).

Step 2: Believe. We need to choose to believe you can change.

• Isaiah 41:10 is just one very popular verse that says, "FEAR NOT, for I am with you." Yes, "fear not" is the most repeated phrase in the Bible.
• John 14:12
• Philippians 4:13 "I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me."

Step 3: Clarify. Clarify what you really want.

• WRITE IT DOWN. BE SPECIFIC!

Step 4: Don't. Don't wait for ideal circumstances.

• It never settles down
• "One of these days" means "none of these days".

So, I have taken the initiative to (step 4) not to wait for the ideal circumstances, and (step 3) clearly and specifically write down what I really want. Now, this is where the name of my blog comes into play. I'm not one to share the desires of my heart so these are my "inner thoughts". ___________________________________________________________________

Long term:

Honor God with my life. I've always valued Psalms 31:10-31- "The Virtuous Wife" chapter. The verse out of this chapter that most know is verse 30, "Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised". This is NOT earthly praise, but a Heavenly praise. Also, Titus 2:1-10 talks about the characteristics of a woman if she is walking with the Lord.

Graduate college. At this moment I'm not even really sure what my true desire to do for the rest of my life is... I know I want to be able to do something to help people: somethin' in the medical field, elementary ed, social work, etc... (these are the fields I am most interested in.) Who knows!?!?

Pray alot harder for the man I'm going to marry. I have always believed that God will give us the desires of our hearts. It's every girl's dreams to live a fairy talk life and find "true love" and live "happily ever after". There are two different kinds of love: 1. UNCONDITIONAL and 2. lustful.

• Unconditional- not subject to have any conditions.
• Lust- having a very strong sexual desire for someone.

This world has "love songs". Well, I call them "I'd love to lust after/with you" songs. Sure, God made man and woman to be attracted to eachother, but the world has jaded His intention of the sacred and pure gift He's carefully and willingly planned for us. I definitely want my husband to love the way I look, but I also want him to be deeply and desperately in love with my character and personality as well as my outward beauty. I want him to mean "I love you Raquel" 'cause he really does love me and not because he wants anything but my unconditional love in return.

Get married. EVENTUALLY! Haha!

Raise a family. After I am married I would LOVE to raise kids of my own. I've also thought about adopting because my brothers and I are adopted.

Coach basketball. My passion. I wish I could do it 24/7!

Buy an old house and renovate it. One day I would really like to buy an old house on alot of land. I'd like to fix it up. And I'd really like to own horses! Do I know alot about either of these things?! No! Haha! But I'd love to learn the basics of something new and something useful in life.

Learn more about auto mechanics: Yes, I might have some alterior motives for learning this skill. I have learned, since owning a car, how much work, time, and money it is to maintain an automobile properly. Also, guys think it's hot when a girl is a grease monkey! Haha!

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Short term:

Coach and play basketball: I absolutely LOVE basketball as you might remember from my statement earlier. I don't care how I'm involved in it. I just want to be around it all the time!

Work: I believe that we are supposed to have a good work ethic. We are supposed to have an attitude of excellence. That is how you're gonna feel accomplished at the end of the day after work. Also, your bosses won't have any complaints with your work ethic... other than you might be a workaholic. (Which I definitely am!!!)

College: Honestly, I'd love to go to NC State. They don't really have what I wanna do at this moment... oh wait, I'm not sure what I wanna major in. Haha!

Church: Bible believing. Calvinistic, maybe not the full 5 points. Contemporary but hasn't lost some of the traditional feel. I'd love to help with a girl's Bible study or help with the youth. But I know I still need to be ministered to through a college career class and through older and wiser woman at the church. I love to sing, not that I'm the greatest... but I'd love to be in a praise team ministry.

Dating: Honestly, I don't have to date. I'm very content in my own skin and identity that I don't have to have a boyfriend. There hasn't been a day in my life that I know of that some guy hasn't been interested in me even if I'm not dating. It's kinda weird not to go out on dates anymore... Why don't I?! I don't want to lead guys on when I know I don't like them. I'm not interested in playing the field. I've had my heart broken a few too many times, and I would like to have at least some of my heart when I actually do find the person I've been waiting on.

What am I looking for in a man?:

Godly

Honesty

Loyalty

Humorous (but can be serious)

Chivalrous

Handsome

Great personality

Country (my redneck romeo)

Hard working (not a workaholic)

Dependable

Generous

Loving (willing to be loved- both unconditionally and maritally)

Willing

Humble (yet confident)

I have been talking to a good friend, Chris K., about my truest and deepest desire in this area. I dated Michael my Sophomore year in high school. We dated for 8 months. We broke up, but have continued to be friends over the years. It's been such a great thing but sooo painful. I was anorexic and depressed for 2-2 1/2 years after the breakup. I did date other people for the sake of dating, but my heart was not in it. There are many songs that describe my feelings about this strange relationship but Jerrod Niemann's song "What Do You Want" (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=97BfC4LgrXk) describes how I feel everytime he calls and wants to get together. Everytime we talk and our friendship grows the more painful it is 'cause I know it's not gonna last... it feels like we're breaking up all over again. I am left wondering time and time again, what do you want?!

Over the years I have prayed on many different occasions that if Michael and I weren't meant to be together that he wouldn't be in my life again. Guess what?! That didn't happen. I have prayed that Michael and I would date again. Guess what?! That didn't happen either. Haha! SO FRUSTRATING!!!

• I will always be there for Michael. I will ALWAYS be his friend
• If I were dating someone else I would dump them in a heartbeat if Michael wanted to date me again.
• If Michael was to come to my wedding I doubt I could say "I do" with him there.
• I can't watch or hang out with Michael if he's interested in someone or dating someone else. And I surely could never attend Michael's wedding if he was marring someone else.

Am I obsessed? No! He was my first true love. And I just love doing things for him like finding weird things for gifts for him (like chocolate shotgun shells) or making him blueberry muffins. I love it!!! I don't need to be in a relationship at this moment anyway... I have alot to deal with without adding that stress to my life. But I would like to be friends with him for now. I would like to talk to him about our past and settle that for myself. I wouldn't take back us dating for anything, but I would take back the whole deal with Bryan and Michael. I didn't handle that like I should have... I was young. It was my first time dealing with anything like that. I wish I could take ALL of that back. I've grown up and learned alot in these past four and a half years!

Relationships: Any relationship isn't gonna work out until my focus and relationship is right with God. I know this! Once that happens I can work on my relationship with others.

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Honestly, I don't think I can get anymore specific than that! Who would have imagined getting all these inner thoughts outta me after a Sunday morning sermon?!

Everything That You Ever Wanted

"I tried to be perfect, tried to be honest
Tried to be everything that you ever wanted
I tried to be stronger, tried to be smarter
Tried to be everything but you" (Everything That You Ever Wanted by Hawk Nelson).

This song has been a huge blessing in my life over my high school years and now even into my college years. The chorus has been my life for the past 6 years. Have you ever tied to live up to what your friends, family, and ect.. want you to be? Sure, all of have done that at some point in our lives. However, I have done that to the point of pretty much living a double life at times. I honored my parents rules and lived up to their expectations until my Sr. year in high school. I had some rather interesting friends that year and was dating someone that I probably shouldn't have been. So, when my parents found out a few things right after New Years I was grounded, unless it was church or doing stuff with friends they approved of, for the rest of my Sr. year.

My summer right after high school I was sooo excited to work at a Christian camp. I really lived, learned, worked, and made decisions that would make God and my friends and family proud. Then I went to BJU which my Grandparents and parents LOVED! They thought maybe I was through with my "rebellious" stage in life. I really enjoyed BJU, other than I felt scared of getting demerits, which I didn't get! Haha! About 2 1/2 months into my attendance at the college I got kicked out. It was over something they couldn't prove that I did and I couldn't prove I didn't do (WHICH I DIDN'T DO!!!). So. God was gracious and let me find a job right away when I got back and the next semester I attended Trident Technical College. The classes were easy and I actually had fun making friends in my classes! Well, around spring time I started turning back into my "rebellious" state 'cause living at home was extremely hard. I didn't understand why my parents still had to CONTROL my life when I had a job, was livin' right, and was taking tons of credits at school. So, during the spring and summer I just went totally crazy with rebellion sometimes.

My parents MADE me move to my Grandparents house in Greenville, SC for the next semester. Honestly, I didn't really know what I wanted to do with my life, I didn't wanna move, and I especially didn't wanna move in with my Grandparents. I knew my parents wanted me to move in with them was because they still wanted control over my life and wanted to know what I was doing. So, for a while I was doing really well with my new chruch, job, school, coaching b-ball, and playing b-ball. I had made some friends through these activities, but we were ALL wayyy too busy to do anything outside of these activities. It made me really lonely. Well, I had been dating Justin Meador while I was in Greenville. He lives in Monroe, NC. I spend alot of my weekends driving up there to visit him. I didn't tell my family where I was going or that I was even going. I knew they would just flip out. Well, eventually they did find out. They got mad and told me I wasn't allowed to visit my own boyfriend anymore. He had to come see me... which is all good but he is broke right now. So, it made me frustrated. I did go see him again... now I'm not allowed to live at home or with my grandparents. So, I'm probably moving to Monroe to live with Justin's extended family 'cause they actually love me!

So, I didn't turn out like my family thought I should. However, I can help blessed and be blessed by a new group of people. There is alot of hurt and pain that has to be mended in Monroe that I haven't been able to deal with 'cause I was not up there.

I've tried 110%, but just can't do it anymore. I can't live like a fake anymore. I can't hide who I really am. I'm sorry!!!

How can I fix a broken heart?!

How am I supposed to ask for someone to love me when their heart is broken, disappointed, hurt, betrayed, and they don't feel love? So how are they supposed to love themselves? My heart is aching for a way to not just ducktape their heart back together. But I have finally figured out that no matter how hard I try, it's just going to lead to disappointment, frustration, and failure. It's not my job to fix their heart even though it's my deepest desire. How can I fix a broken heart when mine is hurting, aching, and broken itself?

Worth The Wait

What Should We Do?!

He's 21

I'm 19

He's a Christian

I'm a Christian

He's at the Citadel

I'm at Trident Tech

He likes me

I like him

If you look at us we're like two peas in a pod.

His parents don't want him dating

Mine don't really care

What should we do?!

Options:

1. Just be friends

2. Date and sneak around from his parents

3. Wait

Yep, that's what I thought... it doesn't look good for the dating aspect. We really don't wanna go against his parent's wishes, but we also want to date. AHHH...I really hate parent's decisions sometimes. I am glad he's willing to respect their wishes though. He's 21 and going to be a Marine when he graduates from the Citadel; I think he can make his own decisions now. I know they probably don't want any distractions for him before he accomplishes his goals. But you know what?! I'm NOT going to be a distraction 'cause I KNOW he can accomplish alot, and I don't wanna be the one to stand in his way. I want to see him succeed. This is sooo frustrating!!! Oh well, that's life I guess.

Good to go!!!

Roger!!!

My life during the year 2009

2009 was an interesting year. The year started off with my brothers and I getting in trouble for sneaking beer into the house. I was grounded for 6 months. I had to talk to my Varsity basketball coaches and tell them what happened. Honestly, I thought they were going to tell me that I couldn’t be team captain anymore. They didn’t. They just made me sit out one game. That was a joke ‘cause they let our starting players play for 3 minutes and then sat out for the rest of the game.

Basketball was a joke this year. There was NO competition in our division this year. We put in our starters for half the game and then let the second and third string play the rest of the game. We were really discouraged. We were in a Home School tournament in GA at the end of the season. We could have come out first but didn’t. I think we got 5^th place. We played a team called the Mustangs. We could have beaten them but choked. The next day we played another team. We tied and went into overtime. We lost by 1 point. It was so disappointing. Our third game we won. It was really discouraging. We came back a different team. The next end of the year tournament we played was in Greenville, SC. We won it the year before. We went in playing the # 4 team and LOST! Our coaches made up play with plays we had just learned and spent and hour practicing. Our entire team went to the bathroom and cried. We were so mad. Of course we were supposed to play the Upstate Eagles in the championship but got 3^rd place. It was a very disappointing senior year. Oh, and here’s another thing. Both those tournament’s winning teams went to play for nationals and the Mustangs won 1^st and the Upstate Eagles won 3^rd! :O Yea, we could have won NATIONALS! Oh well…

Then the time for prom came. I helped my mom decorate and plan prom. It was great!!! Mrs. Feldt helped too! We all really enjoyed it. The group that I went with was Russell Payne, Ian Neuhaus, Jordan Stauffer, Bethany Moller, Charles Lanning, Zack Bearden, Cathrine, and Me. We all went as friends! It was a really fun time. We rented a limo, went to the Olive Garden, went to prom, and then came back to my house for a bon fire and s’mores!

Ian wanted to ask me out to prom the entire second semester. I really would have liked to go with him, but I didn’t want him to think that I liked him. Michael Feldt helped set up prom and come to prom and then helped clean up prom. That was really hard for me ‘cause I liked him so much. We enjoyed spending time together some…

Graduation was next! Seniors of the class of ’09. There was NO better class of kids! We prepared for graduation for so long. It was a really nice day. We sang “The National Anthem”, “In Christ Alone”, and “Lifesong”. A lot of our seniors weren’t very talented at singing so it was really hard to go to practice prepared and they didn’t have any clue on what they were doing. After prom we went to Megan’s party! Mr. Feldt told me that Michael and I needed to hang out and go to dinner sometime soon. Michael agreed this plan. The next day Russell and I had our graduation party at our house! It was really great ‘cause ALL of the people we love came! I think this was my FAVORITE time in the world!

Summer: I went to the Anchorage camp during the summer. It was 11 weeks of camp. I was an O.P. staff girl. We cooked, cleaned, ran the snack shop, waitressed, etc… It was a really challenging summer for many different reasons but it was so enjoyable! There was a week during the middle of camp that we went to a race that was 5 miles. I actually ran it in less than an hour! I was really excited!

I really liked Caleb Sparrow the entire summer. It was kinda weird ‘cause he was the first guy that I really liked since breaking up with Michael. Alexa got in my business the entire summer trying to make sure Caleb and I got together. It was a mess! Everyone hated that I liked him. But guess what?! I stayed away from him other than on weekends. We agreed that he and I would work during the week and talk on the weekends. The last day I was at camp was the best ‘cause Caleb and I talked for a long time and got to hang out!!! It was amazing. I knew we would see each other at BJU. That was promising!

Every weekend we got our phones back after we finished eating our lunch and had our weekly staff meeting! I would text Michael every weekend and on Monday morning I would call him. It was really fun ‘cause I was always working and he was always working but we made time to talk!

The Fourth of July was really fun ‘cause I came home and Michael came over to hang. We ate dinner and then blew up frogs! Lol! It was a real enjoyable evening. I gave Michael a Chevy shirt for his birthday and he gave me a Browning necklace. I love it! I wear it ALL the time!

I went home for about 2 months after camp.

I went to BJU in the fall. I took Bio 102 (and a 2 hr. lab), English 101, Food Prep (and a 2 hr. lab), Speech, Orientation, and Old Testament. I worked 10 hours a week in the Dining Common. I joined the Bandits!!! It was an awesome society. I played volleyball- #15. My dorm was Nell Sunday 233. My roommates were Brittany, Anna, and Chelsea. I was at BJU for 2 ½ months and got kicked out.

My best friends were Kristin King, Rene, Tyler Mills, Caleb Sparrow, Jillian, Kaylie Westmoreland, and Wendi Tripp (there were some more). Caleb asked my dad if he and I could date. My dad said that we couldn’t at the moment ‘cause my family didn’t know him. I spent ALL my free time with Caleb. Goodness, I really liked him.

My roommates said that I stole one of their sweaters. :O Yea, me steal something?! Right. Well, they got away with it and I came home.

I came home and found a job at Old Fort’s Kid’s Fort after school program. It was a blessing from God ‘cause the economy is not the best at the moment. I love my job!!! I am a teacher for preschoolers through first graders. Jaden, Jared, Grace, Hailey, Shelbie, Aaliyah, Matthew, Ty, Rachel, and Katie are my little treasured students.

I got accepted to Trident Technical College for next semester! I am going for FREE! Even my books are paid for. I plan on taking History 101, Computer 101, English 102, and Speech. I would love to take more but I’m also going to be working so I don’t think I could take a lot more. I might add on a 3 hour class that’s for preparing Freshman for college. EASY!

My church has been really supportive! I love them so much! I have gone back to the youth group ‘cause I have a couple of girls that I absolutely adore. I’ve been apart of our deeper subjects and just being there for them ‘cause they have been there for me. I am back in our praise team!!! Catie, Mariah, Rachel, Rebekah, and I are planning on recording some stuff that we’ve sung and sing at other churches. We will be starting all of that up next year (which is soon!).

New Year’s Eve plans: Russell, Andrew, Andrea, Evan, Michael, John, and I are going over to the Waddell’s house to eat dinner, set off fireworks, watch movies, go in the hot tub, and just have a great time!!! :D

Even though 2009 was challenging at times there was NO way I would change anything in it! There were so many lessons that I needed to learn, so many people I met and love, so many things I regret, etc…! The main thing that I learned was from camp- Glorifying God in your life (Ephesians 1:12).

(There’s probably a lot more that I did and learned, but I can’t remember it at the moment. I am so glad they have an “edit” button on this blog!)